PRESS RELEASE
TO BE RELEASED EASTER SUNDAY 2018
I am hereby announcing I am running for city council. I’m going to share my platform as I and my supporters
develop it. Here’s what we have so far. Please feel free to make suggestions.
Most candidates will tell you they
will represent you. And you seem to believe them. It’s the triumph of hope over
experience that people keep voting for candidates that make such promises and
deliver nothing to voters. It’s almost like owning GE stock. Or continually
voting for sales and property tax increases. (C’mon! Have you driven down Ward
Parkway recently? And if we’re not going to fix Ward Parkway, what makes you
think we’re going to do anything in your neighborhood?) So here’s what I
promise.
First. I will vote for any and all
tax incentives. I don’t need to know the details or whether they make sense.
All I know is throwing money at development is a way to make this city great
again. Just ask most of our council members. $17 mil for a parking garage for a
luxury apartment building? Piece of cake. Next.
Being a city councilperson pays a
little over $66,000 a year. C’mon. I made that much before the turn of the
century! Do you really expect people to represent you for that kind of money? Especially
if they have a spouse and children that like to eat more than rice and beans
and shop anywhere but garage sales? If that’s all you’re willing to pay, well,
you get what you pay for. I plan to take any and all income enhancements that
are offered by developers, lobbyists, and especially Burns and Mac, and I
mention them only because I had the most obnoxious interview there I’ve ever
experienced. I hope Burns and Mac got wise and fired that little prick. By the
way, if you take me to lunch, I eat low carb, and I’ll want enough leftovers to
take some home to my dog.
Second. The streetcar has
contributed so much to this community since it first began running its two-mile
route. Oh, it has its problems in ice, snow, heavy rains, and so on, but how often
do we have these problems? Soon, global warming will eliminate snow and ice in
our area anyway.
Since the streetcar has been such a
success and is so reliable, I favor extending it not only to the Plaza but also
to Wichita, Topeka, Oklahoma City, and New York. 24 million tourists can’t be
wrong. I also plan to go on as many foreign and domestic junkets to discover
the wonders of streetcars and other forms of entertainment in other cities and
countries as possible. While I might be willing to fly coach to such reasonably
close destinations as Tulsa or Oklahoma City, I’ll require first class seating
for anything further away in this country and at least business class to
foreign destinations. After all, you don’t want me—your representative--exiting
the plane looking rumpled—or even worse, sober—after an overseas trip, do you?
Third. I will require that Kansas
City residents fill potholes on their own streets. People are always calling in
and complaining about potholes. Well, let them discover just what a hassle it
is to fill those potholes. The city will provide them with sources for asphalt
and assess penalties for noncompliance. This will stop people complaining about
potholes and free up funds for the things that really matter, like luxury
apartment buildings and fixed rail good weather only transit, which is where
our priorities should be focused. Potholes, schmotholes. We’re big picture
people, people.
Fourth. Gentrification is a good
thing. As property values increase on paper, the city can raise property taxes
and generate more revenue for tax incentive programs. If we’re going to provide
multi-decade tax abatements, we have to make up the lost revenue somehow, and
that somehow is you. If you’re elderly and have problems paying these increased
taxes, well, too bad. The young people moving in and gentrifying older
neighborhoods don’t want to live around poor people, anyway. Here is an actual
quote from one of the millennials we have coaxed downtown to live in
taxpayer-subsidized luxury: “Who
gives a damn. I work hard for my money, and I can afford to live [downtown]. I
am not going to apologize for yearsnofnhard (sic) work, smart life choices and
good decisions. I choose to live downtown because I can. People who work hard
and make good life divisions (sic) shouldn’t be forced to now live with those
that can’t keep their shit together.” As
you can see, people who move downtown may say they want to live in a
diverse area, but by that they don’t mean they want to live around or come into
contact with diverse people. If they wanted to be around diverse people, they’d
use the bus instead of lobbying for the streetcar.
Fifth. I promise to set up several
committees on crime. Perhaps at least one of the committees can come up with
some reasonable sounding approach to the problem. Perhaps we could soften the
effect of crime by using euphemisms. If bribes can be referred to as income
enhancement, why shouldn’t we refer to murder as premature passing?
My very first order of business
will be to erect a statue in honor of former mayor Kay Waldo Barnes, Kansas
City’s Madonna of tax incentives. This statue would go up in the Power and
Light District and have an eternal flame to commemorate Kansas City’s eternal
$14 million per year commitment to the Cordish Company. Did that woman know tax
incentives or what?
So it’s up to you. If you want a
council representative who is going to promise you neighborhood representation
only to desert you once the first tax incentive proposal (with incentives going
to you know who) passes over his or her desk or under his or her table at the
Capital Grille and leave you with a bitter taste in your mouth as you swear
never to vote for that person again only to be faced with yet another such
candidate in another four years, then do as you always do, sucker. If, on the
other hand, you want a representative who tells you in advance he’s a crook and
doesn’t give a hoot about neighborhoods, I’m your man. You know what you’re
getting, and I promise never to disappoint you.
Vote for me, and you
will never have to lower your expectations again.
© 2018 Larry Roth
